I Don't Care, Thank You!!!

The will of the universe is often unexpected. When I heard the title "Bodies of Care" I immediately threw a question at myself, "have I cared enough to deserve joining the selection for Dokumentari Series #3?" The word "care" made me hesitant to get involved in the digging this program wanted to do. I knew that not only was my writing ability very limited, but my ability to care was not that big either.

As far as I know, Dokumentari is a program for selected artists to share stories, experiences, and the journey of their individual artistic life through writing. In Dokumentari Series #3, Dokumentari worked together with the Goethe Institut and offered something different from before. In this series, the selected participants were asked to make an instruction-based work aimed at the general public. I had never had any experience making something in the form of instructions, let alone aimed at the general public.

Still, I gathered the courage to apply by sending a short piece of writing containing basic knowledge about care. I doubted I would pass, but that is how it went, the will of the universe is truly unpredictable. I was declared accepted along with 6 other artists from Indonesia and 3 German artists. We then worked together for around four months, getting mentoring from LIGNA (Germany) and Melati Suryodarmo (Indonesia) to search, discuss, exchange thoughts, and turn ideas into an instruction.

The question is, have I cared about my surroundings?

What does true care actually look like?

Is feeling pity enough to be called caring?

Being a listener, holding the worried stories of friends, giving advice as best I can, is that already enough to be called caring?

I am not an angel and I do not always feel the urge to give help or attention. I want to be more sensitive, to understand what other people need without them having to ask first. My mind, being like this, caused doubt that carried into the whole Bodies of Care process.

The other artists in the program connected their sense of care to the communities in their own areas. I also tried to search for a "material" or "object" of care that I could bring up. As someone who is rarely home, I often see newspaper sellers at the intersections in the city of Solo. They wait for buyers, offering newspapers from car to car, hoping someone will buy one.

When they came up to me, the same thing kept happening, I turned down their offer. Why buy and read a newspaper when now all the news can easily be reached on our own phones? An arrogant question from a reality that cannot be denied. The hard struggle of the newspaper sellers moved me to dig deeper into their lives and the place of newspapers today.

This early process made my mind spin around without end. I did not know where to start or what shape the work should take. During that time I watched the newspaper sellers from a distance. I got ready to come closer and find out what their daily activity looked like. I saw them willing to work from morning to evening with no one to replace them, and I understood that not even one newspaper might get sold. How much money do they make in a day? Why do they stay with a job like that? Or maybe they have another job? With more than 8 hours on the street, what other work do they do in the rest of the day? Their fate looked unfair in my eyes.

I wrote down all my observations to try to talk about the culture of reading (newspapers) in the Bodies of Care project. But this idea felt weak. What did I actually want to say? Would the newspaper sellers be part of this work too? How could I ask participants to put word after word together to build a big article displayed on a wall so everyone would care about reading culture? If this work was collaborated on and brought to a different place, many needs would become obstacles because so much material would have to be prepared. The result would end up like a wall magazine at school, or a kindergarten kid scribbling on a wall.

Confused? For sure!

Feeling like I could not find any light? Clearly!

Honestly this is my weakness as an artist, I feel I am not sensitive enough to dig into the concerns that exist. Newspaper sellers, the street, and reading are things far from myself. I felt restless wondering why I was restless about something so far away, something whose origin I did not even know, just for the sake of executing an idea for a work.

Speaking of restlessness, the Dokumentari team was very open with one-on-one mentoring. I had the chance and the space to "open up," gathering together with Bubbu Keni, Mbak Galuh, Mas Feri, Zul, and Ogik, a participant from Bali who is also a good friend of mine. Ogik laid out his idea while we discussed, and it made me feel so far behind! He already had a strong foundation of care toward a community and toward himself. At that moment I really felt empty, not knowing what to talk about, and feeling like I had failed with my idea about the newspaper seller issue. It made me reflective, and I could see that I had not truly internalized the first idea I had proposed.

The Dokumentari team did not just stay quiet, they were curious and tried to dig into the basic things about Mike first. Starting from there I began to look again at who I am, what experiences I had gathered through life, what feelings or responses I show when I am in a certain situation. All kinds of questions were thrown at me to look for the real substance.

"Not caring is another layer of caring." There is presence because there is absence. A presence becomes meaningful because of an absence. A sense of care also becomes meaningful because there is a lack of care.

Wait a second, I think I know! The feeling of not caring that comes out, even showing on a stern face and an intimidating stare, is my way of protecting myself from experiences and problems I have faced. I am not only uncaring toward others, but even toward myself. I never asked Mike what he has been feeling all this time, because I only thought he had to be strong to face everything.

This reminded me of praying. The Catholic education I received gave me clear times for when to pray and how to love others. Not because it was demanded of me, but because I have the awareness that prayer can calm myself down.

Every night before sleeping I always take time to pray. Grateful and thankful for life, for safety, for all the strength and everything I did and received that day. I also do not forget to pray that the next day can become a lucky day. Then I pause for a moment, remembering the act of praying and everything in it. Saying thank you again and again, and praying for the people I love to stay healthy, safe, and always kept by Him. Again and again I say thank you to everyone who has helped, to the parking attendant, the food seller, the security guard, and anyone else I do not know.

Funny, isn't it. We can so easily say thank you to people who are far from us, but sometimes it is hard to express love or say thank you to our own parents? This thought made the word "thank you" spin around in my head. Without realizing it, I actually have a large sense of care. I just am not fluent in expressing it through gesture and words.

"Thank you to all of you who have helped, accompanied, and supported me.

Thank you to both of our parents who have stayed by our side and loved us until now."

This sentence became my foundation to change the concept and material used for the instructional work in Bodies of Care. I felt like I found light after going through the process of opening up and reflecting. Our parents are the people closest to us, our main shield to protect us, but have we said thank you to them?

However, not everyone has had a good experience with their parents. Not everyone has a good relationship and inner bond with their parents. Not everyone behaves 'politely' toward both parents, such as kissing their hand when leaving or coming home and speaking with proper language suited to their age. This fact somewhat complicated my effort to put together an instruction.

With help from the friends on the Dokumentari team and mentoring together with LIGNA and Mbak Melati, I finally decided to widen the subject of this work even further, to "the person you love." This can be anyone! Parents, best friends, friends, a partner, grandparents, siblings, or even someone you do not know but who has helped you through every difficulty. Saying thank you is very meaningful for those who have loved us, even without being asked.

The opening question to begin the instruction was made. In the process of putting it together, many things had to be considered, such as the gesture between a parent and child and the other way around. Not everyone kisses the hands of both parents when saying goodbye or greeting them, so I changed that into holding hands. During the trial of the instruction, there was a moment where participants remembered the person they love by drawing their face in the air with their fingers.

At first I was not sure about what I had put together, whether it was right and could be understood by others or not. Seeing the instructions made by other participants made me feel small. I heard they made instructions that could move a participant's body to move freely. What about the instruction I made, with a narrative carrying a meditative feeling, like joining a retreat activity? Using a candle and writing a letter addressed to the person you love, would the choice of language and medium in this work be easy for participants to understand and carry out later?

The awaited day arrived. After preparing everything carefully, I waited for the participants to come. One by one, the invited guests and friends came to the activation I made. I was truly ready and simply let go of control over whatever would happen and however the participants would respond to hearing the instructions of this work.

Unexpectedly, the mood turned touching. All the participants who did the instruction cried remembering the person they love. Crying with emotion while saying thank you out loud, without any shame. Everyone gave each other smiles, looks, and hugs with the people around them.

This made me realize that the instruction in the work 'Terima Kasih' (Thank You) was able to lead people to remember again the kindness of every person who played an important role in their life. The response was very positive and completely unexpected, truly beyond anything I imagined. Truly unexpected indeed.